I realize now the importance of the personal journey that I needed to travel in order to create Back to Happy! I was one of those kids that had a good childhood, yet I noticed I was always unhappy.
I don’t think others knew that I was unhappy because I smiled a lot. Even though I know
now that a smile can send the right signal to the brain, something was missing.
I first became thoughtful about my mood when I was about 12. It was our family trip to Maui. We were sitting at an outdoor cafe. I sat looking past the umbrella pole to my Mom. At 12 I could hear the whiny-ness of my voice.
Here I was in Hawaii, a privileged discontent whiny kid. I had no clue why. Inner growth had not even crossed my mind.
What I did recognize is that I always wanted to be older. To be doing something that must be in my future. Always wanting me to be anywhere other than where I was. It was like I was waiting for “me” to arrive.
1. I know now that I was "future-ing". Future-ing is one way happiness becomes projected into tomorrow. And it was keeping me from of fully experiencing my present. And now find that I have few strong
memories of my childhood. Why? because I wasn't really living today, rather thinking about tomorrow.
WHY? I think I wasn’t ready to embrace my journey. Inner comfort was absent.
Athletics and leadership came easier for me. Deep connection brought out an inner shyness. Even though I was popular, even with many friends, I felt different, like an outsider.
When I left my home town, I left
friends behind. Good friends, people I cared for. Why? Big Question! Something I often ponder and regretted.
Where I found business relationships easy; it would take me decades to feel worthy of one on one connection.
2. I recognize now that connection is a happiness builder.
But first I had to be comfortable with being
friends with myself! happiness requires a deep one on one connection. I call it my inside 1:1. Accepting a deep inner connection with oneself requires vulnerability. How could I share a self with others if myself was unknown? Sharing ones inner thoughts, fear and dreams is difficult without knowing thy self.
At 19 my first marriage provided another safety net where I could hide. Leaving my parents’ home I entered another
safe haven. I didn’t have to stand on my own. I could be known as a couple rather than just me. Again I had created a way to avoid figuring myself out.
But between ages 25-27, bulimia exposed my personal inner turmoil.
Restlessness peaked at 27, I leaped. My life became my responsibility for the first time. Even through fear I knew I had to move forward. On my
own.
My spirit became more demanding; prompting me to expand my awareness, experiences and exposing me to new ideas. Each one bringing me closer to the future self I had been searching for.
But then, like many I allowed myself to be distracted. I know now that life can move us off course when we are not mindful. Another decade past as I wound through relationships, travel and entrepreneurship.
